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Relationship Deja Vu? Get Wise, Not Trapped
Have you ever wondered why you seem to manifest the same type of relationship time and time again? Maybe it begins with a new, exciting and unique partner, but by the end, you feel like you’re in relationship déjà vu. Looking at this phenomenon from a spiritual perspective will offer you great insight into what lessons you are trying to learn.
Throughout my years of working with people on their relationship dynamics, I’ve had the opportunity to see that within relationships we often play one of several roles, each of which shed light on key pieces of our personal growth and offer us opportunities to heal ourselves.
There are several roles and ways we play them out, but two of the most common are The Healer and The Chameleon. Below are descriptions of each of these roles and the traps they’ll often lead to — followed by tips on how you can use your awareness of these roles not just to heal but to grow.
If you play The Healer in your relationships, you see your partners’ pain and challenges, and more often than not you’ll be attracted to the potential of who they can be rather than who they are "right now."
As The Healer, you either do the work for them, allowing them to glom their stuff on to you, or you sit in their space with a bunch of advice that includes what they "should," "ought to," "need to" and "have to" do to be or get better. Instead of being in this relationship, loving and accepting the person you are with in the present time, you want to make them better. Whether it’s their emotional potential or their day-to-day potential, you want them to be more.
The Déjà Vu: Invalidation and anger
The more you try to heal someone, the more invalidated they become. At first they may welcome your loving, caring way, but eventually they will come to resent your energetic and emotional meddling into the way they are doing their own healing work.
We cannot do another person’s work for them without invalidating them. We need to learn our lessons on our own. The person who allows someone else to do the work for them will eventually have to break away — usually with a dramatic flair, feeling invalidated and spewing anger. The drama and the anger are what allows them to reclaim their power, but it leaves you reeling, wondering, "How did this happen?" and "Why did it happen again?"
The Rx: Stop trying to fix everyone
The healing for you rests in recognizing that you overstep boundaries and that doing someone’s work for them is not your job. If they can’t get it, you can’t make them. Turn your focus to yourself and work on learning healthy boundaries. Cut out the telltale healer words of "should," "ought to," "need to" and "have to," and instead look at standing in your own truth and becoming a beacon of healing light, simply by being who you are.
If you play The Chameleon in your relationships, you’ll be a sports fan with one person, take on a love of Tibetan throat singing with another, and in another relationship you’ll be learning to ride a Harley for cross-country road trips. But who is the real you? In your relationships, you adopt the likes and interests of your partner — and in the end you lose your own identity.
The Déjà Vu: Resentment
As the relationship ages, you’ll find yourself feeling angry and resentful and wondering where "you" have gone. When the relationship ends, you feel a burst of personal power and self-awareness and vow to never lose yourself again, until you do it again.
The Rx: Know thyself (and be that person)
The healing for you is two-part. The need to take on someone else’s interests comes from a fear that you aren’t loveable as the person you are. You adopt their interests to be liked. First, take some time to define your interests and celebrate your passions. Second is the opportunity to validate yourself for who you are. In your next relationship (or even in the one you are in now), find balance between what interests you and what interests them. Know the difference between being interested in finding out who they are versus becoming who they are. If it’s all about the other person, you’re doing it again.
Our relationship dynamics offer priceless insight into our spiritual journey. If you want to understand the keys held within your relationships, take some time to reflect on the roles you’ve played and the themes and patterns that recur. Within this information, you will find the gift of what you are trying to learn and heal this lifetime.
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Christine Agro is an internationally recognized clairvoyant, natural healer and spiritual teacher whose work focuses on supporting women, families, children and animals in all phases and stages of their lives. Using her unique approach, Christine provides clients with a truly holistic overview of their health, wellness and well-being. Praised by women, grateful parents, animal lovers and celebrity clients across the globe for her intuitive and extraordinary gifts as a healer and a teacher, she has been hailed as “magical,” “transformational” and “inspiring.” She is the founder of The Conscious Mom’s Guide, Healing Dog and Conscious Animal Radio. Christine has been featured in The New York Times and on AOL’s Paw Nation, interviewed on radio shows around the world, and quoted in health and consumer magazines and e-zines nationwide. Pocketchange.com dubbed Christine "NYC’s Best Dog Psychic," and Real Savvy Moms (an award-winning PBS TV show and Web site) called her “a gift to their Moms and Moms-to-be.” Christine works with clients one-on-one and teaches transformational courses regularly via teleconference.